Monday, December 08, 2008

BCS DECLARES GERMANY WINNER OF WWII -- U.S. Ranked 4th

(Via CNN -- Cutter Network News) ... Borrowing from reports from random spammer with some original reporting interspersed ...

After successfully determining the Big-12 Championship Game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests, and today the BCS belatedly declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands," said BCS Commissioner Pi. "Their only losses came against the US and Russia, and weather played a large factor in the Russian campaign. Furthermore, the D-Day Campaign utilized a high degree of deception to land Allied Forces where the Germans were not expecting them to be."

The BCS tries to looks at the overall picture, and who would be a more "feared opponent", if the war were to continue even though it had already been fought to a conclusion. As Commissioner Pi explained, "Considering the Germans' entire body of work –– including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule and brutal routs –– our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."

When questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States, Mr. Pi stated, "The US only had two major victories –– Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced or even killed by head-to-head contests. Rationality lives on, and our computers, along with the many German military officers who vote in our "human-element" polls consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."

German Chancellor Adolph Hitler, through a spokesman in Iran, said "Yes, we lost to the U.S., infidels, rather invaders; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only six weeks." Hitler had been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn "style points" to enhance Germany's rankings. However, Hitler protested: "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces. In France, we marched in straight lines under the trees along streets so pretty."

The French ranking has also come under intense scrutiny. Commissioner Pi, though, commented that "France had a single loss against Germany, and following a pre-season #1 ranking, they only fell to #2. Plus, although the battle was over relatively quickly in France, the French managed to keep casualties extremely light."

Japan finished ahead of the U.S. in WWII with a #3 ranking, based largely upon its victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines. Additionally, as of WWII, BCS computers did not account for the effects of a nuclear attack, Pi said.