Wednesday, January 11, 2006

10 Worst Americans Ever?

You will recall that Jess asked me to debate a liberal veteran on various questions/issues. The latest question from Jess, which has typically not been responded to in a timely fashion by my adversary, was to name the "10 worst Americans ever". Seems like a trap to me.

At any rate, Jess said that I could approach it somewhat tongue-in-cheek, so here is my answer:
Tough question. Hard to answer without getting too personal and nasty, and you know us Daisy Cutters are sensitive. Plus, if I answer it straight on, I'll just get in trouble, leave some one off and/or just be plain misunderstood.

So, since this is a question that a lefty would love, let's try it this way: How about let's look at this thing through the eyes of a true-blue hard-left Demo?

Without any further delay, here it is:

Kinda hard for us lefties to think about "bad Americans". I mean, it's like a double negative, but ... we know 'em when we see em. So, let's go.

11) Honorable mention/bonus pick -- _________________ (Insert name of any Christian who is a political conservative). These are dangerous people who are primed for another round of Crusades. Far, far more dangerous than those ruses in robes. Remember how Billy Graham used to call his "revivals" a "crusade"? Duh. They have been recruiting Christian holy warriors who won't keep that wall of separation betwixt and between that state and the Christian church. They rail on about al Jazeera, but these miscreants have their own sinister network, Pat Robertson's CBN. Keep your eye on these holy roller-warriors. Bad people. Bad Americans.

10) Rush Limbaugh -- Need I say more? This fat gas bag has personally taken over the air waves and is spewing conservatism non-stop. He is full of hate and lies. Never mind that we can't think of an example of either, but just listen to him. He annoys the hell out of liberals and other sensitive types. He makes us uncomfortable. Bad guy. Bad American.

9) Ronald Reagan -- The former airhead-in-chief reminds us of a couple of things that threaten the very fiber that holds America together as we see it -- that would be, of course, radical collectivist leftist thought. In particular, he said two things that are just like nails on the chalkboard, man: 1) America is good; and 2) the Soviet Union was evil. Not only that, now that I think of it, he reminded us that there are standards that we have to live by and live up to. Bad guy. Bad American.

8) George Washington -- Slave holder and "father of the country". Figures. An unrepentant slaveholder who never made reparations. We will not forget. Forget all the war hero BS, holding off the most powerful army in the world, keeping the constitutional convention together, dodging a million Native American arrows, etc. Bad guy. Bad American.

7) Ken Starr -- This sex-obsessed pervert personally stained and took down our hero -- Bill Clinton. Plus, see honorable mention pick above. What a bad guy with so many prosecutorial excesses that we can't think of one. In fact, he is just a bad, bad guy. And a bad American.

6) Dick Cheney -- Uh, duh. Dick Cheney. Halliburton. Dick Cheney. Halliburton. Really bad guy. Really bad American.

5) The Marine who shot that poor moving insurgent in the mosque -- Gives us the shivers to think of such aggression against an insurgent. Reminds us that there are rough men who do not care for the enemies of America. Very scary man. Very scary to us. Bad American.

4) Newt Gingrich -- The frito-eater extraordinaire is trying to make it look like he is Mr. Nice Guy now. No way. We remember his Contract on America. He started all of this Republican-power-grab craziness in Washington. He tried to cram dog food down seniors throats when he shut down the government. Then he tried to euthanize Medicare. He's an evil man and a reprehensible American.

3) Tom Delay -- Uh, hello. Felon. Stealer of congressional districts. Utilizer of inappropriate advantages that only Demos are supposed to use. Passer of Republican legislation. Hammering the crap out of Demos left and rig ... never mind, left and lefter. He smiles for his mug shot, but he kicks Demos in the nads the second that the cameras turn off. Bad congressman. Really bad guy. Even the Republicans won't let him have leadership position. Bad, bad American.

2) Dick Cheney -- I mean, he makes Darth Vader look like Mother Teresa. He is the most sinist ... Have I mentioned him already? Never mind. He's still nearly the most awful American of all time. Then there is ...

1) Who else? George W. Bush. Steals two presidential elections. Steals two countries in the Middle East. Lies about WMD to get even for his dad. Outs honest public servants who get in the way. Flaunts UN authority. Spies on insurgents. Dares to use American power to protect American security. The baddest man. The worst American. Ever. Exposing and defeating him defines our mission. He is our mission. Thus, he owns us.
So, there you have it. Did I leave any one off? Besides Sam Alito this week?