Wednesday, January 26, 2005

White Trash Wed. Exclusive: Goomba fan in Texas jail. Faces death penalty.

Pretty interesting news report just released in my neck o' the woods. Apparently, an elderly gentleman from California (pictured in the jail photo above) who is also a regular reader of my good blog friend Nickie Goomba, was arrested at a WalMart yesterday in western Montgomery County, Texas. The store is just down the road a piece from my trailer park. According to authorities, the 72-year-old man, who would only identify himself as "Old Blue", was charged with destruction of property and lewd conduct. Both of these crimes carry the death penalty in Texas. Here is the report from the local Tomball, Texas newspaper:

"According to witnesses, the man identified only as "Old Blue" was apparently hiding just inside the sliding doors at the local WalMart and startled several female shoppers by jumping out, dressed in only WalMart bags and shouting, 'California rules ... DC drools!! Nickie owns the internets!!!'

The third victim, 68-year-old Mrs. Ellie Mae Wiggington, was in no mood for such antics, however. Wiggington removed her .38 caliber hand gun from her purse and pistol-whipped the man in front of cheering onlookers. The crowd included five of Wiggington's children, ages 11, 13, 28, 40, and 51, and also nine of her grandchildren, ages 7, 8, 9, 21, 22, 24, 34, 35, and 38. According to law enforcement officials, Wiggington quickly sized up the confrontation applied the proper amount of force to bring the situation under control. After "Old Blue" climbed on top of a soda machine and begged her not to shoot, Wiggington shook the machine until he fell. She then grabbed the muzzle of the weapon proceeded to beat the dazed and confused Californian. Witnesses said that Wiggington taunted the injured "Blue", saying 'You ain't related to no Sen. Boxer, huh boy?!!!!' Law enforcement officials praised Mrs. Wiggington's actions. Texas DPS Sgt. James Givaration said, 'Just because we're all packin' don't mean we can't fight conventional. She done good.'

Apparently, the situation was complicated and potentially made more violent because, according to a WalMart spokesman, Wiggington's strong reaction to the man may have been fueled in part by her belief that "the internets" was a reference to her undergarments.

As part of a widening probe, authorities also sought to question the notorious California blogger, Nicholas Goomba, to determine what involvement he may have had in putting "Old Blue" up to the stunt. Goomba's lawyer, Mark Geragos, could not be reached for comment. However, Geragos later released a written statement that simply said, "My client Nickie Goomba did not have a relationship with that man, Mr. Blue."

As for "Old Blue's" fate, Texas authorities painted a grim picture. Sgt. Givaration said, "We have standards here. A couple of things we don't tolerate are defacin' property and lewd conduct. To do such things at a WalMart is really, really bad." Tearing up a bit, the 21-year DPS veteran said, 'And to go after DC like that ... I just can't ... I'll bet the old man gets death.'"

News reports courtesy of dCNN (daisy Cutter News Network) ... All people taking such reports seriously are directed look at themselves in the mirror while in the deep-snap position ask why their head is lower than their posterior ... and then to proceed to Goomba's site and comment 100 times: "DC rules the internets."

Okay, I admit it. This story is completely bogus.

Check out the other participating WTW blogs: Beautiful Atrocities, CrankyNeocon, My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Nickie Goomba, Rachael Ray Redux , Riehl World View, Six Meat Buffet, and Vince Aut Morire.

Coming tomorrow ... the dramatic conclusion: Dr. Ping Pong Ball.